Real PUGs of Failure: Mr. All I Can Do Is Auto-Attack Guy

15 Jan

Last night I queued up for a random dungeon on my 76 Mage and found myself in Drak’Tharon Keep. I will save you most of the details on the run because that’s not the real point of this post. I want to point out the efforts of one specific individual that ran through there with us though, a level 72 Rogue named Bankpaul. The PUG itself went just fine with a level 80 Pally Tank and a level 80 Pally healer, but I have to call out this Rogue for his horrible performance.

I knew after our run last night that I wanted to blog about the experience, but I didn’t want to come right out and spew insults at him. Luckily when I logged into Twitter this morning I saw that Arrens had posted’s Real Men of Genius this morning and it gave me a nice outlet for talking about this special little rogue without being overly insulting.

To give credit where it’s due, the first of this type of post that I ever saw actually came from Darraxus in his Real Azeroth Heroes posts: Mr. Overgeared and cocky so I pull everything and wipe you guy, Mr. I Got my Mammoth Mount so I can stand on the mailbox guy, Mr. Annoying Trade Chat Spammer Guy, Mr. 800 DPS at level 80 guy, Mr. Retardin with Rez Sickness, Mr. Auctionhouse Instant Undercutter, Mr. Meleekin, Mr. Undergeared Overconfident Tank.

Now it’s my turn:

Psynister’s Notebook presents: Real PUGs of Failure.

(Real PUGs of Faaiiiluuurre)

Today we salute you Mr. All I Can Do Is Auto-Attack Guy.

(Mr. All I Can Do Is Auto-Attaaaack Guy!)

You’ve set for us the real goal for excellent DPS,
With auto-attack, Sinister Strike, and an occasional Eviscerate.

(See my shiny daggers!)

Pushing damage per second to over 300,
And being carried by your level 80 tank buddy.

(Be nice to my buddy!)

If there’s trash mobs, you’ll stand there.
If there’s a boss, then you’ll hide.
And if there’s a critter, you’ll run screaming like a girl.

(Save me from the squirrels!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, 300 DPS Boy.
You know the key to clearing every instance, and the two buttons required to do it with.

(Mr. All I Can Do Is Auto-Attaaack Guuyyy!)

Amory Link: Bankpaul


Posted by on January 15, 2010 in Real Men of Failure


16 responses to “Real PUGs of Failure: Mr. All I Can Do Is Auto-Attack Guy

  1. Nochecazador

    January 15, 2010 at 11:41 AM


    That had to be one painful run. Like hitting your thumb with a hammer painful.

    • Psynister

      January 15, 2010 at 12:16 PM

      The run itself wasn’t all that bad, DTK being DTK and all. The paladin tank/healer combo worked well together to control almost everything.

      The tank wasn’t very good at pulling agro off of people and I think he’s probably not all that familiar with the instance, but they did good.

      The painful part was just the rogue. I don’t expect amazing numbers on the DPS charts from people, but seriously I shouldn’t have 6x his dps with just four levels on him. I told him I could really use more than 300 dps out of him and he said “Alright, I’ll shoot for 350.”

      I told him he sucked and that I would gladly help him if he was interested in improving and his reply to that was “You mom likes how I suck.” That’s when I gave up on the kid and decided it needed to go on the blog.

      • Nochecazador

        January 15, 2010 at 12:27 PM

        He deserves what he has gotten. Forever memorialized on the Internet as a sad sack of a player. :

    • Psynister

      January 15, 2010 at 2:27 PM

      If you take a look at his armory you’ll also see that he’s an enchanter. Looking at his gear, he’s got +AP enchants on everything he can fit it on, and yet he still pulled horrible numbers.

  2. Anex

    January 15, 2010 at 11:51 AM

    LMAO awesome I must write one now about the one hour Forge of Souls I was in the other day.

  3. Zha'ane/Channi

    January 15, 2010 at 12:43 PM

    One day my horde side guild was running Ulduar and I was really sick of the place so I decided to work on my level 18 Rogue that’s in guild while they go have fun. If they NEED me, I’m around at least. I queue up for a random and get Dead Mines. “Great! I can get some Defias gear,” I think to myself. The tank was a Druid and since I have levelled as a bear on a couple of occasions, I had high hopes for the group… Silly me. -_-;;

    First off, he kept going AFK after every other pull. Not for long, but for at least 30 seconds at a time. Secondly, most of what he does is spam demoralizing roar as much as he can and maybe auto attack. Seriously, I don’t think he even knew how to swipe. I had to keep grabbing mobs that walked right by him and the healer had to ask me (the rogue, mind you) who was tanking! “The bear, theorhetically,” was my response. She laughed and we chatted in whisper for a while where she stated she would stay for me if I wanted. I thanked her and gave her puppy-dog eyes because I’d feel bad about anyone else coming into this not knowing what they were getting into. She at least worked the group dynamic some and would know how to react. The tank had other ideas though…

    We made it to the cavern with the boat, and started our approach across the docks. I mentioned his inability to swipe, right? HE TANKED THE PARROTS!!!

    The healer apologized in a whisper to me just before she dropped, and I was thankful for her staying as long as she did. But I just have to say to Mr-Parrot-Tanking-Bear, “REALLY?!?! The PARROTS?!?!”

    “Here’s your sign…”

    • Arrens

      January 15, 2010 at 1:01 PM

      I have but one thing to say about Mr. Faildruid: Bwahahahahahahaha! *wipes tears from eyes* Bwahahahahahahahaha!

    • Psynister

      January 15, 2010 at 2:28 PM

      I saw a paladin tanking the parrots the other day. The guy wouldn’t draw agro off of anyone for any reason, but he would definitely go out of his way to tank a bird.

      I guess the guy was craving some fried chicken or something. /fail

  4. candy

    January 17, 2010 at 11:35 AM

    For me, if I am in a PUG with an 80 rogue who is doing less DPS than my 71 boomkin, it makes me want to cry. And it has happened two or three times in the past 2 weeks. THey must have been autoattacking…then again, I have also had recent PUGs where I waited 5 sec to cast and still pulled from that tank (in ToC) and thus had to try for about 2-2.5k DPS for the rest of the go.

    • Psynister

      January 18, 2010 at 7:52 AM

      I’ve had a surprising amount of luck with tanks and healers here lately, at least outside of the teen-twenty range. I’ve been quite surprised.

      The worst high level tank I’ve seen was the one that was in the run with the rogue here, but it wasn’t that he sucked as a tank, it was more that he didn’t know that part of the dungeon.


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